OCD – The Ultimate Frenemy

As you may know, a “frenemy” is a combination of the words “friend” and “enemy”. It can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival. To me, this describes OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, perfectly.

When you have OCD you might keep your room or office super tidy. You probably don’t like clutter and people may regularly tell you “you’re so organized!”  That’s the “friend” part of the disorder. But on the enemy side, OCD can “make you” do things that range from being just minorly irritating (or comical) to ones that majorly impact your ability to function. I’m fortunate that most of mine fall into the minor category. But the same was not true for my daughter Natalie.

I don’t know exactly when my own love/hate relationship with OCD began. It feels like it’s always been with me. As a child I generally liked things neat and tidy. I’ve always enjoyed tasks where I sorted things or made order out of things. And in college, my roommate (who, amazingly is still my closest friend) will tell you of one of my wackier habits. I would get a cup of tea and a couple of Nilla Wafers, and sit down at my desk to study. But before I’d hit the books, I’d turn the tea cup “just so”, adjust a cookie, sit back and have a look, and maybe adjust again. Then I’d dive into studying. Apparently I did this almost every time. I have a vague memory of this and it makes me wonder what other wacky things I did that I don’t recall.

I used to think my tendency to want things “just so” was a trait I’d inherited from my dad. He has what I thought were just quirky habits. Like after he’s been eating peanuts or chips, etc., he has to end with eating three more. Or he might take just three of something, but it has to be three. And he will line things up on his desk, a counter, etc. so that they are symmetrical. And one of my brothers sometimes does this odd thing when someone’s talking to him. He silently counts the number of syllables off on his fingers (touching each finger of a hand to that hand’s thumb to count). I thought he only did this when he was younger. But I asked not long ago and found he sometimes still does it.

Again, I used to think these were just quirks or habits.  But about 10 years ago I learned more than I ever wanted to know about this stuff. My daughter had just started 3^rd grade (she was 7 going on 8).  One of her weekly assignments was to write out that week’s 15 spelling words and turn them in. I was to read her the word, and she’d write it down. Sounds pretty easy, right? The biggest problem you’d expect to have is her not knowing how to spell “category” or “laughter” or something and getting frustrated, right? I wish. Natalie knew how to spell every word. But writing those 15 words out would take her up to two hours. Yes, TWO HOURS. She used a pencil and would write painstakingly slow, stopping, erasing, rewriting until she felt the word was perfect.

It’s easy to look back after the fact and see the symptoms for what they were. But at the time, I had no idea and it was beyond frustrating. There were tears and shouting from both of us. I thought she was just being fussy or particular. She didn’t understand why I was mad at her. But then other behaviors started. At night she started developing this routine of using the bathroom, checking to make sure she’d flushed, washing her hands, checking to make sure she’d turned the water off, turning out the light, then checking the light was all the way turned off (damn that dimmer switch). She’d then repeat this up to 15 times a night.

One habit would stop (like the spelling words) and another start (the bathroom routine). So I still wasn’t putting two and two together. When the bathroom stuff happened, I took her to the doctor in case she had a bladder infection or something. She didn’t. But it was that doctor who suggested it could be stress related and recommended she be evaluated. I took her to a psychologist who gave the diagnosis of OCD. I thought it was odd that she asked if Natalie had had strep throat recently, and if so, had she had it often (she’d only had it once). The doctor explained that they’ve discovered a link between strep and OCD. You can learn more about that here. I asked if it was hereditary. It is. In fact, according to a Johns Hopkins Study, having a sibling or parent with it gives you a five times greater chance. But the startling thing to me is that instead of each generation having it to a lesser degree (getting diluted in the gene pool), it can get stronger.

I also learned that it’s not always the same repetitive behavior. It may be hand washing for awhile, then it might be counting things, then it might be something else. And it was that myth about OCD that prevented me from putting it all together sooner. Just when I thought a behavior was odd, it would change.

Learning all of that was a relief, and not just for me. The psychologist recommended counseling, which we did for only a short time (and I’m thankful no medication was ever required). I think the most profound thing for Natalie was learning that she wasn’t the only one who had these feelings. We were given some books specifically for kids. Once she read about how other kids had things they felt they “had to” do, you could tell something clicked with her. Along with that realization, working with the counselor on managing those feelings gave Natalie the control she needed to move forward. And I learned that the best thing a parent or partner can do when someone is having an OCD attack or moment is stay out of it. Don’t become engaged in their obsessive activity. I learned to teach Natalie that if she truly needed help, she could ask for it but she had to be specific. For example, she couldn’t just stand there immobilized saying she needed help. She would need to say, “I need to get that book down from the top shelf and I can’t reach it.”

That was about 10 years ago. And while occasionally during times of stress she’ll have an OCD moment, it’s generally short-lived and she manages it on her own. It’s the same with me. I’ll find myself obsessively straightening things on my desk at work or around the house, and realize it’s a response to stress. Once I have the realization, it generally stops. I know it’s very hard for people without OCD to understand this. The feeling that I “must do” something or must do it a certain way is irrational. My husband is more rational and likes to understand the whys, which I can’t always give him. Sometimes I can just say, “It’s my OCD” and then he can let it go.

I wonder if as my daughter moves out into the world she’ll find ways to help the people close to her understand. I’m confident she will. Somehow Natalie has learned very early what took me years; conflict is good. Confronting an issue is a step towards clearing the air and creating understanding and respect. Armed with that skill, Natalie will be just fine.

Now that so much time has passed since her diagnosis, we’ve even found ways to laugh about OCD. Shows like Monk (“the obsessive compulsive detective”) made that possible. OCD isn’t a laughing matter, but by diagnosing it and getting treatment, you can find ways to cope. And humor is a great way to do that.

An interesting side note: I had the idea for this blog post about a week ago, and have been mulling it over, then oddly, yesterday our dog Claire started exhibiting unusual behavior (pacing non-stop). As I’ve looked into what that might be, I’ve discovered dogs can have OCD too! Who knew? While I don’t think I’ll be taking her for counseling, having OCD myself and a daughter with it, I’m trying to be patient as we look for ways to help the dog too.

It Getting back to the "frenemy" statement. Having OCD can certainly have a plus side if you appear tidy and organized to others. But it hurts me to think that some people ignore this behavior in themselves or others, specifically when it reaches a point of interfering with daily life. At the risk of sounding like an advert, if you see this in yourself or someone you love, don’t dismiss it. If your eyesight was poor would you get glasses? If you were getting constant headaches would you seek out the reason? Think of OCD the same way. If it’s preventing you or another from doing the things you need to or want to do, talk to your doctor.

Do you have OCD? Do you have a good resource to share? If so, please leave it in the comments below.